A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.