if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”