Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.