Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan