People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.