While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*