To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die