Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.