kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house