why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No