Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Jupiter
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
True
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
she has a point
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.