If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.