If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.