If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
😅😅😅
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]