[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Donkey Kong sommelier
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Merry Christmas
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*