History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her