Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
he looks great for his age
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.