My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt