BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
reviewed some movies recently
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance