[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
You Might Also Like
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.