the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I need better friends
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
#parenting
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks