I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool