Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?