I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
You Might Also Like
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.