my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
You Might Also Like
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.