[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*lint rolls you awake*
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.