When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.