#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”