Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*