hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
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I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-