After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”