*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up