Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.