Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
This is my bus stop.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.