I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
You Might Also Like
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.