Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.