*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
We decided to have money instead of children.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]