K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*weighs self after shaving
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!