If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.