But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Note to self: I am a note
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
hi why am I like this
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Do one person every day that scares you.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.