Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
the battle rages on
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.