[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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Need this in my life lol
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Noah was an idiot.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.