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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this