[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
asking santa clause for nudes
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.