“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Every damn time
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am