You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor