Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Had to try this trend 😊
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
mood
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*