doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.