Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.