Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
You Might Also Like
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
one last job
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”