I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
There鈥檚 no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When I call back Domino鈥檚 a second time to let them know it鈥檚 been over an hour and my pizza still hasn鈥檛 been delivered.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium